Goddammit to every friend that I’ve stood by forever that’s betrayed me. Fuck you for not sticking up for me when I always did so for you. Damn you for agreeing with the bad opinions of others on me just to fit in. Fuck you for being my friend when others are around. Fuck you for meaning so much more to me than I’ll ever mean to you. Damn you for deceiving me all these years, damn me for believing in you when no one else ever would. Damn me for being there for you whenever you needed me, shame on me for listening, for being compassionate, for caring when no one else would. Damn me for staying up all night worrying about you and your well being. I mean really fuck both of us for being like this, fuck you for deceiving me and fuck me for caring so damn much all these years.
Some nights I just lay there wide awake in the dark.
I stare at my wall. Think about all the wrong things I’ve said, all the things I should have done differently. Think about all the people I miss, old friends, family members, my aunt. Especially my aunt tonight, it’s been years but it still gets to me, I still miss her, I was young but my memories are still vivid. There are so many things in my life I wish I would have said when I had the chance. Some things I wish I would have held back, my impulsiveness in saying things. I think I have to come to terms with some aspects of my life. I don’t regret any of my choices but they still hang around in the back of my mind. I wish I didn’t get attached to people so easily, when things end I miss them. Sometimes all these things just eat me up late at night when I can’t sleep. So many memories replay in my mind over and over. Just lay there, stare at the wall, stare at the ceiling, thinking, remembering, replaying all these things in my mind.
One time I was with one of my friends and I was having one of those days where I was just thinking about life, how I view it all all that. I asked him, if he’s ever looked in the mirror or deep into his own eyes and had somewhat of an out of body experience. Seeing yourself as if you were another person. As if you took away your boddy and you’re just your mind. I mean that what we really are in a sense right? I’ve done this on several occasions. Sometimes I wonder what if all this is just a dream and none of this ever happened? What if none of this is real, all the small insignificant things come to my mind, those are the things that I realize I would miss. Like the smell of rain on the road right after it rains, or the sound of cicadas when I wake up on a summer morning and the light is pouring into my room. The smell of my mom when she gives me a hug, the sound of her voice when she wake me up in the morning. Granted I would miss larger things too. But I hold a deep value to the small things in life, the things some people never take the time to notice. He didn’t understand any of it, it kind of broke my heart a little bit.
Speaking with you makes my heart feel like a prune.
Shriveled up, worn out, dying away due to old feelings.
Choked up feelings clog my chest every time.
I don’t want this, you bruise my soul.
You leave me feeling empty.
Every time.
Why are you so damn rude to me? You don’t even know me! I really don’t understand people sometimes, how can you dislike me so much when you have literally never talked to me, never met me, and never heard a single story about me? It literally makes no sense to me what so ever. It is completely unnecessary for you of all people to be rude to me, I mean who are you even? I know nothing about you, you know nothing about me. Is this some sort of joke, is it a game?
I’m starting to think I’m in need of a serious reality check. I swear I can be so damn oblivious sometimes living in my little dream world. I mean theres all these times where I wish I had the right words to say. Moments of my past just replay in my mind over and over. What if I had done this, what if I had said this? I’ll never know, it’s the past, it’s gone. I don’t want to relive anything, I don’t want a redo, sometimes I just wonder.
I had one of those moments today, one of those moments where if I could stay in it for awhile longer, I would never regret it. You know when you just have that small little something with someone and it’s simply amazing. It made my night, quite possibly my entire week, we’ll have to see what tomorrow brings. But for now, my heart feels a little fuller, and my smile, a little brighter than before.
I’m not used to living with my family anymore so everything feels incredibly odd and off. My time schedule is completely different from everyones too, I sleep late and stay up late. They’re the polar opposites. I don’t even know how to function around them any more. I don’t know what’s going on but they’re all on my case about everything since I got home. It’s really starting to irritate me. One thing after another, School, Friends, Sleeping Patterns, Eating Habits, every little thing. I’m just in such an incredibly bad down right now.
I feel like I’ll alway be that girl that guys like and they’re interested in, but they’ll never even ask me on a date. I’ll always fall for that guy that won’t take a chance on me, the one that’ll just string me along until another girl walks on into his life. I know I’ve teased guys before, I know I’ve led them on with no intentions of anything more than that. I know that was wrong, I know I’ve hurt guys before. But when the roles are reversed I’m lost. I’m not entirely sure what I’m trying to say. I just feel like I’m this great outgoing, smart, confident, nice, funny girl and half of you don’t even see that. Everyones so damn fixated on their opinions on people, ones based on events that happened years ago. Do you not realize people change?
You know, I guess I’m one of those people that never really quite fit in. All my life, as far back as I can think, I never quite fit the puzzle exactly. People always thought I was a little weird, a little too ADD, not pretty, scrawny, too tall, too skinny, too white, just too awkward. Elementary school was great for the most part, I did get teased then again, we all did. I was a cute kid, I’ve been wearing glasses my whole life pretty much, since I was 18 months I think. Middle school, wow, those were the worst three years of my life, so far. I was definitely not cool in middle school. I won most unique in Eight grade, but I’m pretty sure that was because everyone thought I was a weirdo. Either way, people didn’t like me, I was going through my awkward stage. Yes really, I went through an awkward stage. Someone said to me the other day, I can’t believe you went through an awkward stage, you’re too damn gorgeous. I don’t remember who it was, but I thank them for saying that to me, it was nice of them. Middle School, gosh I didn’t really have any true friends. The ones I did have, talked about me behind my back or treated me badly, I never really felt quite right with them. I don’t really want to go into it but I was pretty damn depressed those three years and things just weren’t right. Needless to say, I’m not friends with any of those people any more. But then High School came along and my awkward stage passed. All of a sudden, everyone seemed to like me. I guess people kind of like me around my school, people say hi to me, smile at me and what not, they seem like they like to talk to me. I like that, it feels homely. Then again from time to time I do wonder if any of these people do genuinely like me or not. I still don’t feel “cool” I never will, it’s not my thing. I just like knowing people, I’m friendly, I like to talk. I don’t know, life is kind of interesting I guess.
