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Sara.20.NYC.
If you will die for me, I will die for you and our graves will be like two lovers washing their clothes together in a laundromat If you will bring the soap I will bring the bleach.
-Richard Brautigan
Blogging Since August 1, 2008
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  • 11 July 14

    Why did you tell me you loved me in the first place? 

    Posted: 3:39 AM
    If you will die for me,
    I will die for you
    and our graves will be like two lovers washing
    their clothes together
    in a laundromat
    If you will bring the soap
    I will bring the bleach.
    — Romeo & Juliet - Richard Brautigan
    22 December 13

    In the end we both loved each other.
    But both of us had problems.
    We needed to work on ourselves.
    Not each other.
    I’m so sorry.

    Posted: 1:33 AM

    Lately & How to say goodbye for forever

    My life has been pretty hectic lately. Having had my gramé, who was essentially a second mother to me passing away and all. I know I haven’t posted here I’m awhile but I plan on posting more frequently again. Today I just wanted to talk about a few things that have been haunting me lately. My ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for about 6 months now. For some reason I still feel pain when I think about it. I’m not sure if it’s because he was my first love or because he was so incredibly meshed into my life for what felt like a very long time. Since my grandmother has passed away and I’m off from uni for awhile I’ve had so much time to think. Too much time. Thoughts of Jesse and my gramé swamp my mind until I find myself tearing up. I know he doesn’t miss me and I know he doesn’t care. The only boy I ever loved swiftly replaced me with another girl. He took the rug out from under my feet. Although I was the one to break it off in the end… I guess I just knew he didn’t love me anymore and for the longest time I blamed myself for this. But I realize that it’s not my fault that this happened. I guess it’s no ones fault. But he did salt my wounds by replacing me so fast. It hurt my heart it made me so bitter. My friend ran into him the other day he said,”Sara hates me.” Fuck I wish that was true that way I wouldn’t have to worry about you. I don’t want to be with you but sometimes there’s just deep parts of me I only shared with you. I keep them bottled up know. The depression. My suicidal thoughts. All of them, to myself. I’m sorry i guess it’s just this is my first Christmas without you and my grandmother and both of you are constantly on my mind now. I’m sure it’ll pass, I just to keep moving forward.

    4 September 13

    Do I even exist to you guys holy fuck 

    Posted: 10:17 PM
    Pretty irrelevant. I was waiting for David to get out of work the other night and decided to swing by work and everyone kinda decided to hang out outside together. I had a four hour long conversation with one of them and it was interested because I never realized we shared similar humors or had so many things in common. I feel a little more at home at Starbucks again. Anyways thanks for that, it was nice to have an unlikely friend on that particular night. I’ve been missing my mother a lot lately. It’s hard to not have her around right now when everything is a little shit storm. Especially building myself a new support system. I feel more at home with the people in my life at this moment than I have in an extremely long time. 
    25 August 13

    Dumb Feelings blah blah blah etc.

    After being in a relationship with someone who treated me pretty horribly for loving them “more than they loved me” someone who told me I was “crazy” someone who told me that I can’t talk to them because my suicidal thoughts “stressed them out too much.” and a piece of shit asshole in general. I can’t really explain hat it feels like to be in a healthy relationship with someone that doesn’t push me around or make me cry every single night. I forgot what it felt like to be treated right in a relationship, I lost so much of myself during that time. I wasted my time loving and caring for someone who ended up not caring for me. Today I took a genuine look at my current relationship and I had a good long cry. I have let go of so many of my demons lately, I’ve held on to so many of them for so long. A while ago for some reason I let everything out to David, I told him pretty much everything. I told him about my parents and my fucked up family situation, everything. I never knew anyone that could directly relate to my situation but I ended up finding him. At the beginning of our relationship I felt guilty for being with him. For indirect reasons that I guess have nothing to with me in the end. It doesn’t matter. It just feels so good to have someone in my life that looks at me with a genuine smile. I forgot what it felt like to be happy somewhere in the mix of trying to kill myself and a failing relationship. Suicide was something that never really escaped my thoughts. It still hasn’t 100% but I feel less like a loser when i’m with you. And I know I do the same for you. I think its weird how we’ve told each other so many things that I would never tell anyone and vice versa. But I’m glad you’ve told me these things. I know they weren’t important but you told me anyways. I guess it makes it easier for me to understand perspectives of our relationship from outside of our relationship. BUT thats besides the point. I am so thankful for you. I can’t really express it because I’m dumb and I can’t get all the words out of my racing mind. But in the end all I really have to say is, thank you for being you. 

    24 August 13

    You know my birthday was last month. 
    I didn’t receive a single present.  
    I pretended it didn’t bother me.
    But it did.
    I feel bad for feeling that way.
    It’s selfish.  

    2 August 13

    Mini Rant/Annoyed

    So, I know that I’m probably over reacting and I’m not mad but I am annoyed. It really pisses me off when people say one thing and do another. If you say you’re going to meet me at a certain time, fucking meet me at that time. If not at least have the consideration to tell me you’re going to be late. What the fuck. 

    30 July 13

    Last Night

    Last night I had a dream about your hands  
    making their way down my bare back
    grasping my hands
    and your arms holding me tight. 

    Themed by Hunson. Originally by Josh