Do I even exist to you guys holy fuck
Do I even exist to you guys holy fuck
After being in a relationship with someone who treated me pretty horribly for loving them “more than they loved me” someone who told me I was “crazy” someone who told me that I can’t talk to them because my suicidal thoughts “stressed them out too much.” and a piece of shit asshole in general. I can’t really explain hat it feels like to be in a healthy relationship with someone that doesn’t push me around or make me cry every single night. I forgot what it felt like to be treated right in a relationship, I lost so much of myself during that time. I wasted my time loving and caring for someone who ended up not caring for me. Today I took a genuine look at my current relationship and I had a good long cry. I have let go of so many of my demons lately, I’ve held on to so many of them for so long. A while ago for some reason I let everything out to David, I told him pretty much everything. I told him about my parents and my fucked up family situation, everything. I never knew anyone that could directly relate to my situation but I ended up finding him. At the beginning of our relationship I felt guilty for being with him. For indirect reasons that I guess have nothing to with me in the end. It doesn’t matter. It just feels so good to have someone in my life that looks at me with a genuine smile. I forgot what it felt like to be happy somewhere in the mix of trying to kill myself and a failing relationship. Suicide was something that never really escaped my thoughts. It still hasn’t 100% but I feel less like a loser when i’m with you. And I know I do the same for you. I think its weird how we’ve told each other so many things that I would never tell anyone and vice versa. But I’m glad you’ve told me these things. I know they weren’t important but you told me anyways. I guess it makes it easier for me to understand perspectives of our relationship from outside of our relationship. BUT thats besides the point. I am so thankful for you. I can’t really express it because I’m dumb and I can’t get all the words out of my racing mind. But in the end all I really have to say is, thank you for being you.
You know my birthday was last month.
I didn’t receive a single present.
I pretended it didn’t bother me.
But it did.
I feel bad for feeling that way.
So, I know that I’m probably over reacting and I’m not mad but I am annoyed. It really pisses me off when people say one thing and do another. If you say you’re going to meet me at a certain time, fucking meet me at that time. If not at least have the consideration to tell me you’re going to be late. What the fuck.
Last night I had a dream about your hands
making their way down my bare back
grasping my hands
and your arms holding me tight.
I’m not sure there is anything I hate more in life than my job. To say I despise it isn’t even strong enough of a word. I found myself crying at 2 in the morning while waking up to get ready for another long day of bullshit at work. For the fact alone that I hate my job that much. I cried up until the point I had to leave my house. I feel all the happiness, joy and life in me being drained to the point where I have nothing left every time I work. I cannot stand my work environment, I work in a busy environment and all I feel while at work is anxiety. I literally feel like I am on the verge of a full blown anxiety attack every shift. The people I deal with at work, mostly customers tend to be some of the shittiest people I have EVER encountered in my entire life. They are rude, picky, lazy fuckers. And god forbid they do ANYTHING for themselves. I cannot even explain the crap I deal with. I have had a customer tell me I look like an ugly, stupid boy (when I am clearly a female) because one of my coworkers supposedly messed up their drink. I come home after work and I feel like I can’t relax because I am so incredibly stressed out from my job. I can’t even sleep and sometimes I have anxiety attacks after work. This isn’t a normal thing for me. I used to love my job but lately it is so shit and I would be happier working elsewhere. I seriously feel like I need to quit but I can’t because I need a job to make money. I need to find a new job as soon as possible because I’m not sure I can handle one more day.
How do you fill an insatiable emptiness. I try to fill it with people, places and distractions. But in the end, the reality is that you’re alone. The happiness is brief, it comes and goes. Some days work out okay but others don’t work out too well. I had such high expectations, good ones. Only to be let down, but now I have no expectations. Reality hits hard.
Hey guys, it’s been awhile. I’ve been experiencing a lot of ups and downs lately and I did start another blog. It’s not nearly as popular as this blog but I do find some small joy and pride in it, I suppose. Lately things have been extremely up and down for me. I’ve been fighting bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts again for a few now. I’m pretty terrified to venture down this road again but I’m being strong and I’m seeking help from a therapist…
More later - Sara